Have you ever been in front of 2 slices of bread, peanut butter and jelly and you have no idea what you are supposed to do next?! That’s what I call a PBJ sandwich effect. This typically happens after you have children.
The PBJ effect is when you are about to do a task and your child says “moooommm”… followed by whatever request your kiddo has at the moment. Sometimes the request is very important like going potty.
Some other times the request is “Where is my blue dinosaur?” which in the adult world is NOT an emergency. However, for a 4-year-old brain not finding the blue dino feels like a gigantic-meteor-kind of emergency.
Then all of the sudden, you feel like your brain has been electrocuted.
And whatever information you had about how to prep a PBJ sandwich you had is gone. Puff!
Your mind is blank.
You stare at the kitchen counter in front of you, but can’t move because you really have no idea what you are supposed to do next.
Your persevering preschooler keeps asking about the blue dino with a not-so-happy tone. You can sense the upcoming tsunami of emotions on your preschooler and of course, you can’t remember where the dino is! You finally manage to get up and move and look for the freaking Dino! You find it and the day is saved.
You go back to the kitchen. You think to yourself “where was I?”. Your brain says“I don’t know!” “I was not paying attention!”. You stand there in the middle of the kitchen trying to dig in your brain. You are genuinely trying to remember what the heck you were doing before the dino crisis.
It feels like you are trying to remember what the square root of 847 is. You know that is not that complicated and still, it feels very complicated. Finally, your brain blurts out and says “PBJ sandwich”. Ja! Got it! You get a butter knife and prep the sandwich. Done.
If this story sounds familiar in some sort of way, know that you are not alone in this.
This has happened to me more times than I can count.
It actually sounds funny. It might even be fun for other people when you tell the story.
In real life, it is NOT funny. Deep inside it feels sad and overwhelming for you. It might even feel embarrassing.
This is not even a reflection of who you used to be. You were a high achiever, maybe a perfectionist, or an organized type A kind of person. You used to have a good memory and be able to focus. You used to be ahead of the game. Now things have changed.
Mom brain is freaking real and is not funny.
Pop culture has come up with this concept to normalize and even ridicule the forgetfulness, distraction, and scattered thinking that moms experience. In some way, we use the mom brain concept as a way to make sense of all the changes we experience in our cognitive functioning (thoughts, attention, memory, planning, and judgment among other functions].
We also use the ‘mom brain’ to apologize for not being at the top of our game.
In some weird way, people talk about the mom brain during pregnancy and give moms some permission to experience it.
Yet, in the postpartum period, people are not that forgiving of the mom brain phenomena. Expectations at work can be lessened during the first few weeks after you come back from maternity leave. Then the bar is up again and people expect you to perform like you never had a baby or like you slept 10 hours straight.
Sleep deprivation is REAL and it is so impairing. Life-work balance is more complicated now. Even when your kiddos are older there is an exhaustion that does not go away with sleep or rest.
There is mental exhaustion. There is a mental load.
“I felt like I was breathing enough to survive but never enough to catch my breath”
Suka Nasrallah, Author.
The mom brain concept does not take into consideration the endless mental load we carry every single day.
We are not considering the overwhelming expectations and demands society puts on mothers. We are not considering the lack of time mothers have to take care of themselves. Not to get a hot stone massage or get the nails done. Not to eat a hot meal or take a shower, those are basic needs!
We are talking about mom having time to be with herself, to do something she really enjoys and looks forward to doing. Having the time and space to reconnect with friends or meet new people. Time to go somewhere by herself.
Time to be a person and not only be someone’s mom or someone’s partner.
Time to do all this without feeling guilty or being called selfish.
Don’t get me wrong… every single mom I have met and worked with LOVES their children so much that it hurts. Every single mom I have met is a person with wants and needs, goals and dreams, and wearing multiple hats at the same time.
Every single mom I have met is also a person that deserves the space to be a person…
Momma… you feel so much love for your child and you feel less smart sometimes.
You might even feel like you know less than other people. Maybe you feel like you forget things too often or get distracted easily. Maybe you feel like you can not do two things at a time because you get confused or easily overwhelmed.
Momma… most likely you are the CEO of your house and your family.
Your brain is constantly up and running. You are constantly managing multiple pieces of information at a time. You are constantly making split / quick decisions about everyone and everything. You are constantly reviewing endless to-do lists in your brain. You are frequently going back and forth between the past, present, and future.
You are trying to remember if you put salt in the chicken stew and feel nostalgia about your child not being a baby anymore. And at the same time trying to listen to the latest episode of ‘you are not my bestie anymore’ situation at preschool.
Your brain has to shift between keeping up with the routine, and setting up boundaries while trying to comfort your crying toddler who is losing it at bedtime.
Momma… can you take a moment, step back and notice what is happening here?
Can you notice that you are taking care of a house, a family, yourself, maybe a job or school, and dealing with an immature 4-year-old brain that does not take no for an answer.
Can you notice that you are DOING IT!
Can you notice that you are doing your very best? And this “very best” looks different every single day.
We should not call it mom brain. We should call it the superhero brain.
Momma… I need you to know that there is nothing wrong with you.
You became a mom and your brain changed. Your body changed. YOU have changed and you will not feel like this forever.
Be patient and compassionate to yourself. You will be able to remember things better. You will be able to take on new projects at home or work or both. You will be able to read a whole book in less than a year.
You are a new and amazing version of yourself. You will look at yourself and be proud of how much your brain can do. You will be able to ignore the people that do not respect this new you. You will get to love your brain. You will laugh at the PBJ effect a few months or a year from now.
Remember that you and only YOU are the best mom that your child can ever have.
“Motherhood is an eternal struggle between being a good enough mother and being yourself.”
Suka Nasrallah, Author
If you felt seen and understood by this blog share it with other mommas out there.
You are not alone in this!
If you need to have a space for you to be heard, understood, and not feel judged, schedule an appointment today. We will work together to create a space for you to take care of yourself and learn to work with your superhero brain. Click here to schedule your free consultation today.
PS: As someone who is a preschool mom and as a therapist working with other moms, I can say you are not alone if you saw yourself in this blog. I dedicate this blog to all the amazing and powerful mommas I have worked with that show up every day for their kiddos and for themselves.
