Motherhood feels like you are given 5 tons of joy and 3 tons of guilt mixed with 2 tons of worries and unlimited love. All at the same time and with no instruction manual about what to do with it and… off you go!
Imagine this…
Finally the kids are asleep. The house is quiet. It’s 10:30 p.m. You should go to sleep and you can’t.
This is the only time in the day that you are completely alone. No one needs you.
All you can hear is silence, quietness. You feel so relieved for being done with the chaos and the routine. You are so done taking care of everybody’s needs.
You want time for yourself.
You want to read a book, watch Netflix. You want to work on a DIY project that has been sitting there for months.
Maybe you want to listen to some music or get back to all those messages you have not responded to.
Or maybe you’re so exhausted you can barely think.
Then it hits you… the mom guilt.
You feel guilty about losing it with your kids.
You feel guilty about missing your old life.
Guilty about wanting to be by yourself.
Guilty for not spending enough time with your kids or your partner.
Guilty for being a working mom or guilty for being a SAHM.
Guilty and overwhelmed by the laundry list of things you have to do.
The so-called ‘mental load’ of motherhood that everybody talks about… but no one does anything to help with it.
You feel guilty about not enjoying motherhood as you thought you would.
You feel guilty about being completely the opposite of what you thought you would be.
The patient and loving mom you imagine would be is out the window.
Instead, there is an exhausted, overwhelmed and angry mom that feels guilty about feeling this way.
You can even hear a part of you saying “I don’t want to do this”
“I don’t want to be a parent anymore”.
Now you feel even worse. “What kind of mother says that?”
So you go to Facebook or Instagram to distract yourself. You don’t want to feel this freaking guilt. You have too much on your plate.
Then when you thought you were done feeling like crap, guilt hits you even more.
You see posts from other moms doing things with their kids and being so ‘perfect’ that motherhood looks easy on them.
You see your best friend baking with her 3-year-old.
Your coworker at the beach with her two kids.
You see a random post of a family camping and having fun.
They all look so happy.
These moms look so calm, loving, and present with their children.
So you compare yourself with those perfect moms.
You compare yourself to the standard of motherhood imposed by our perfect society.
A standard imposed maybe by your own family or your in-laws. Imposed by your friends or maybe by yourself.
Your mind beats you up. You think to yourself “I’m not a good enough mom” “Why can’t I be better?”.
You cry silently and you feel like you are collapsing inside.
The next morning you wake up exhausted, drained and sleep deprived.
You are running on empty and it’s only 6 a.m. You push yourself and get ready for the day.
You go into your kid’s bedroom and all of a sudden you feel this warmth in your heart.
You look at your child and you can see beyond the stress and chaos how amazing this little person is.
You lay down next to your child and you just stay there. Taking it all in… BEING in the moment.
You little one wakes up. You cuddle with your child and it feels like the world stops.
You wrap your child in your arms and feel this mix of guilt, love, sadness and joy that can’t be explained. You let yourself be in the moment and feel it all.
You see…
I wish I could give you a perfect recipe to get rid of the so called ‘mom guilt’ and I can’t.
I don’t want to.
I don’t even know how to stop feeling it myself.
I still haven’t met a mom that has got rid of the guilt forever. Every mom I have worked with or I have met in my personal life feels guilty in some way or another.
What I have learned is that as long as you love this tiny human you will feel so many things.
Love.
Guilt.
Gratitude.
Exhaustion.
Nostalgia.
You will feel…
proud,
sad,
angry,
joyful,
scared, and
hopeful…
You love and you care about this little one so much.
I see you.
That’s why you are reading this.
That’s why you wake up every day with the intention of being better and doing better.
You are a MOM and you are human.
Moms… we make mistakes. We screw up and we repair. We learn from those mistakes and we get better at this thing called motherhood.
Guilt is defined as the feeling we get when we have done something wrong.
In some way, feeling guilty is needed. Is part of being human. It helps us acknowledge that we have made a mistake or we have hurt someone.
Guilt – in low dosages – gives us the opportunity to normalize mistakes.
It helps us to humanize motherhood and demystify the concept of a ‘perfect mother’.
Guilt can give us the opportunity to be kind to ourselves and be empathetic with others.
Guilt gives us the opportunity to embrace imperfection and be intentional about our choices.
Feeling guilty is human and sharing this message with our children can be powerful and transforming for them as well.
However, guilt can also be fueled by the idea of how things are supposed to be done.
From an early age girls are taught about how to take care of a baby, how to do chores and be of service to others.
Society and culture teach girls how to be a mom through play and other social interactions. Oftentimes, when boys play in a nurturing way they are discouraged or criticized for it.
We actually discourage the very behavior that we want to cultivate in men.
The idea of what is ‘right’ and the ‘good mom’ stereotype is gradually shaped throughout our life.
By the time we become parents these concepts are well ingrained in our belief system and influence our perception of the world, ourselves and others.
The ‘good mom’ stereotype is anchored in unattainable standards.
Self-care is prohibited.
Self-care is perceived as being selfish.
Self-sacrifice is reinforced.
ALWAYS putting everyone’s needs ahead of yours is expected.
So inevitably, guilt will show up in the context of these unattainable standards.
The thought that you are not doing a good enough job might be based upon the ‘good mom’ stereotype.
So… in the end, you are going to feel guilty.
Either because you made a mistake
OR
because you are trying to do so much in the name of the ‘good mother’ stereotype that you fall short.
However, there is ONE kind of guilt that does not belong to you…
The guilt about not being a good mom because of an impossible-to-accomplish standard of perfection…DOES NOT BELONG TO YOU
This guilt belongs to the patriarchy.
There was a time when women were revered and honored for their ability to bear children.
In our era, it seems that women are often punished by society for choosing or not choosing motherhood. The impossible standard of perfection results in this patriarchal induced guilt.
Motherhood is complex, messy, exhausting, often unappreciated and rewarding.
Therefore, this guilt IS NOT ABOUT YOU
This GUILT is about a fantasy, an illusion, an ideal… that mortals like
you, me and every amazing mom out there are not supposed to accomplish.
We are NOT supposed to be her…that perfect MOM…because she does NOT exist.
It is time to redefine what a good mom is.
A GOOD MOM…
Might want to have kids and a career at the same time
Might want to stay at home and do homeschooling
Might want to breastfeed, do formula or both
Might have had a vaginal delivery or a c-section
Might make homemade meals for her toddler or use baby food
Might read to her kids every night or watch TV with them
Might buy a pizza and implement lazy parenting techniques every Friday
Might let her kids eat half of the candies on Halloween and eat the other half herself
She might lose it a few times a week and some other times might be calm and patient
A GOOD mom will definitely make mistakes and will repair them.
Being a mom means that you will feel everything.
It means that you will always have an opportunity around the corner to try again.
It means you will have a chance to say “I’m sorry”, to repair, to love.
Being a mom means that you will feel guilty sometimes. You will feel discomfort about something you said or did.
Being a mom means that you will feel all this because you care and because you LOVE.
And…
Regardless of who you are and what you do… one thing is for sure…
YOU are the BEST mother that your child could ever have and NO one can ever take your place.
If you felt seen and understood in this story, please share it! Share your story with other moms too. Support each other. No judgment.
We are all trying to do our best every single day.
Let’s make a collective promise to share our wisdom with our daughters and sons to help lead the next generation away from the vice grip of this unnecessary and unhealthy version of guilt.
If you feel like ‘mom guilt’ is constantly pulling you away and it doesn’t allow you to enjoy this journey, please reach out and get help.
You don’t have to do this on your own. You are NOT alone in this journey. Reach out today, click here to take the first step.
